Thursday, November 8, 2007

What was my point?

Oh yeah, blogs are a bit strange. I view them as a public journal. My thoughts that I want to share with strangers. Well, I panic when I know someone is reading my blog. Like they're reading my diary. Silly, I know.

Moving on. The topic of 'failures' is what got me on this particular tangent and I got distracted.

So, where was I? I recited the laundry list of ways that I lost my patience with our kids to my husband this evening during our evening phone call. I know he's at work and can't really process any of my angst, so it's more venting then anything else. He says to me "you're not a bad mom". How does he do that? How does he know what I need to hear?

I know I am not a bad mom, I just wish I was a great one.

My main failure these days is in my relationship with women. Ever since becoming a mom, I've had this need to connect with more women. I am not doing so well. I have a hard time finding women that I can relate to or the chemistry is just wrong. I don't know what the hell it is.

That's not the real failure. I have a really great friend. She's been my rock. I love her like the sister I wish I had. When I'm feeling lost or afraid, I want to talk to her. I know she'll be there for me. I realized today that I don't offer her the same solace. She's going through some tough times. I'm not who she leans on. I wish I was the kind of friend to her that she is to me. I know that's not realistic considering she's a freaking amazing human being. I like setting my sights high. She trusts me with her secrets, but I wish I could be the kind of person she would seek out if she needed a friend.

So, I realize that I am not this person for anyone. What does that say about me?

I worry about this when I think about my kids. Will they come to me when they need someone to talk to? How do I become this kind of person?

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