Misery loves company

I've been reading the mommy blogs and chick literature. At first, they were really satisfying distractions. I loved reading about the lives and loves of other people and finding solace in the fact that most moms are feeling the same anxieties about parenting that I was.

Well, it's not enough. It just doesn't do the trick anymore. It doesn't matter that my friends and total strangers are having the same issues with their young toddlers. It just downright sucks that I don't have the patience the deal with the daily grind or lack the wherewithal to consider myself blessed. I feel cursed that my children love me so much that they have this constant need to engage me. "Mommy play with me. Mommy I need more milk, mommy help me get dressed, mommy I want a snack, mommy I want to watch a movie, mommy I want to go to the park." Or better yet, "where are you going mommy? I want to come with you!! And, seriously, it doesn't matter that it's normal and that every mom is experiencing the same things in varying degrees.

You'd think I'd be grateful that first of all, I have 3 healthy, beautiful kids, and that second, they love and need me. What's wrong with me? I'm exhausted from the constand demand on my time. How lame is that? Like, I've got so many better things I could be doing. You know, sorting the laundry or cleaning up the garage. Geez....

It's Christmas time.....now be happy, d**mit!

I had had enough! The kids were behaving spoiled, ungrateful children, my mother-in-law was pouting like a 4 year old and I was exhausted from all the preparations! I am so going to cancel next Christmas.

Then Christmas morning arrives....My dear hubby is still at work at the firehouse, so I have to somehow keep the kids from opening the presents that Santa brought until he gets home.

The boys come in my room first. They don't seem to realize that Santa has come. I hear my daughter's footsteps lead to the living room. There is a pause. I hear her running down the hallway. She bursts in the room telling her sweet story of discovery. I wish I had a camera.

What brings me to tears is my oldest son's reaction to the stocking stash. We had decided that the kids could empty their stockings in the hopes that it will keep them busy until their dad comes home. So, I'm busy in the living room with something and I sent the older kids to get their stockings. My daughter starts calling out her loot and squealing with her excitement at each discovery. My oldest son is strangely silent. I glance into the dining room and see him studying something he's taken from his lot. Turning it this way and that....then he comes running to me with a big smile of excitement and exclaims, "look, Santa gave me underwear!" (He had grabbed my husband's by mistake. And, yes, that's what I put in their dad's stocking)

My daughter gave the appropriate oohing noises with a slightly confused look on her face.

In that moment, I felt the Christmas joy. My son is not some greedy, ungrateful, spoiled child. My daughter is not so self-absorbed or mean spirited. I love my children.

Still can't stand the mother-in-law, but that's really ok.

I'm seeing red....

All these sayings, like, "I can feel my blood boiling", or "blowing my stack", are running through my head right now. The one, "having kids keeps you young"....really??

I feel like I've lost years of my life these last couple of days. My oldest son is severely doing a jig on my last available nerve. He's taken to kicking or hitting when he is being "guided" to do the right things or to stay safe. I am ready to drop kick him myself, but seeing as how I've learned to control my impulses, it hasn't happened...yet.

I am not equipped to deal with my 4- 1/2 year old throwing tantrums. I know I should be looking at the underlying cause, but I'm so consumed with not throwing a tantrum myself, that I haven't got an ounce of energy left. My other 2 kids stand by and kind of look lost as they wait for the storm to blow over.

I hate this "phase" and hope it will pass before it really damages our relationship. I love my son, but I can't stand this behavior.

One scoop of vanilla please.....

I've been reading some of my friends blogs and I've realized how plain Jane my blog is looking. It's very passive on my part. It's my way of being non-commital. Seriously, I'm just creatively challenged.

I haven't been posting lately, and I don't know if anyone really notices. I haven't put my blog out there and I, certainly, haven't told that many people that I have one. It feels really strange. I know I'm just over analyzing the whole thing, which is typical of me. It keeps me from actually having to deal with any real issues.

These days my real issue is my parenting skills, or lack thereof. It's sad really. I have three fabulous kids, but I'm not being the parent they deserve. I don't have any patience. I lack the knowledge on how to deal with their delicate psyches. I want my children to be successful human beings, but some days....ok, too many days, I am as selfish as I feared I would be. I know it's normal to feel this way. Parenting can get overwhelming. It's a thankless job, blah, blah, blah...They deserve better, but they are stuck with me...

So, that's why I've spared the airwaves. I can't think about much else right now. As hard as I try to be more interesting all I can think to write about are my kids.

I have been dreaming of bikini bootcamp. Since the knee surgery, I've put on quite a few lbs. I'd love to go to some far off beach where all I have to do is take care of myself. I'd miss the alcohol, but it would be worth it. I just can't imagine leaving my babies for a week. A girl can dream......

Playdoh...love it or hate it

It's raining out and my kids are getting a little antsy. I have some, (seriously, extreme) difficulty trying to find an indoor activity that they can all enjoy with minimal disputes.

Playdoh is my savior. There is something for each skill and attention span level and I get some relative peace for anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes. There is nothing like it. They are cheerfully sharing the tools and different colors. The older children are showing the younger child how things work. I get all weepy to see them so harmoniously playing.

I thank the makers of such a fun and versatile activity. My daughter is expressing her inner jewel maker and my older son is creating some pretty interesting monsters. My little guy is even fine tuning those fine motor skills by making some teeth for his animal. What more can you ask for?

Then, it's clean up time. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a neat freak. However, it offends my sense of order to have to deal with separating the colors. I can't seem to explain to my offspring that when they have completed their project they should pull apart the different colors instead of mashing it all together.

My sweet daughter asks, "Can you open this color for me?" I briefly pause and glance at the 6 other colors already blending themselves on the table. I debate whether to tell her she has enough colors or just surrender to it, since there's no way in hell I'll be able to minimize my aggravation with one less color to separate.....I really love it when they ask me why the colors are all mixed up and complain they can't use it this way. Try as I might, they haven't made the connection.

I can't wait until they are able to clean this up themselves.......

What was my point?

Oh yeah, blogs are a bit strange. I view them as a public journal. My thoughts that I want to share with strangers. Well, I panic when I know someone is reading my blog. Like they're reading my diary. Silly, I know.

Moving on. The topic of 'failures' is what got me on this particular tangent and I got distracted.

So, where was I? I recited the laundry list of ways that I lost my patience with our kids to my husband this evening during our evening phone call. I know he's at work and can't really process any of my angst, so it's more venting then anything else. He says to me "you're not a bad mom". How does he do that? How does he know what I need to hear?

I know I am not a bad mom, I just wish I was a great one.

My main failure these days is in my relationship with women. Ever since becoming a mom, I've had this need to connect with more women. I am not doing so well. I have a hard time finding women that I can relate to or the chemistry is just wrong. I don't know what the hell it is.

That's not the real failure. I have a really great friend. She's been my rock. I love her like the sister I wish I had. When I'm feeling lost or afraid, I want to talk to her. I know she'll be there for me. I realized today that I don't offer her the same solace. She's going through some tough times. I'm not who she leans on. I wish I was the kind of friend to her that she is to me. I know that's not realistic considering she's a freaking amazing human being. I like setting my sights high. She trusts me with her secrets, but I wish I could be the kind of person she would seek out if she needed a friend.

So, I realize that I am not this person for anyone. What does that say about me?

I worry about this when I think about my kids. Will they come to me when they need someone to talk to? How do I become this kind of person?

YIKES!

I started this blog during my drug induced haze as I was recovering from knee surgery. I hadn't any intention of seriously, putting it out in the world, simply because I didn't want to bore anyone to death.

Now I am a member of Work It, Mom and keep posting my blog address like I'm so proud of what I've had to say. Great, so what's the big deal you ask? Being a little insecure as to my ability to put words together in order to make my interesting life, sound well....interesting, I'm a little worried about coming across as a complete idiot.

So. Now. What?

What's the problem now? I recently, as in 5 minutes ago, invited a writer whose works I really enjoyed, to my network. She wrote me back saying that she's going to read my blog...!!!!!!! NO!

So, as I'm struggling to not burn my dinner as I think of something interesting to say....all I have is this. Sorry, I'm so lame.

Breathe....now that I've got that out of the way. I've got to run....the chicken's burning.

I'm sad again......

Recently, I read about the deaths of 2 New York Firefighters. The Deutche Bank that was damaged in the 9/11 attacks was on fire. I don't know what happened...but it made me sad. It's hard to hear about firefighters losing their lives in the line of duty.

My husband asked me about a guy we met when we were visiting New York....back in our child-free days. His name was simply "Bobby" to us. We met him while he was bartending at Chumley's. Typical firefighter....you know, big personality, big flirt. My husband showed me a picture of the guys that died in that fire in New York and asked me if I thought that this was 'the guy'. It was. Now, I'm sad again. I have memories of this person....just like all the other people have memories of this person.

We share this common human experience. I don't know why it should be so much more painful when it's firefighter....a firefighter in a building that was damaged in the attacks of 9/11... a firefighter we know....Robert Beddia.

Just a little something to try to help my democrat friends understand me.

John Glenn said this that should make you think a little:

There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq in January. In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in the month of January. That's just one American city, about as deadly as the entire war-torn country of Iraq.

When some claim that President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following:

a. FDR led us into World War II.

b. Germany never attacked us ; Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost ...
an average of 112,500 per year.

c. Truman finished that war and started one in Korea. North Korea never attacked us . From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost ... an average of 18,334 per year.

d. John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962. Vietnam never attacked us.

e. Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost ...an average of 5,800 per year.

f. Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us . He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.

g. In the years since terrorists attacked us , President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya , Iran , and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people. The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking.

But wait.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation...We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and> the > Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after> his > Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick. It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!! Our Commander-In-Chief is doing a GREAT JOB ! The Military morale is high! The biased media hopes w e are too ignorant to realize the facts.

But Wait

There's more! JOHN GLENN (on the Senate floor - January 26, 2004) Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This exchange between Senators John Glenn and Senator Howard Metzenbaum is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one man's explanation of why men and women in the armed services do what they do for a living. This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never served think of the military.

Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn): "How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?"
Senator Glenn (D-Ohio): "I served 23 years in the United StatesMarine Corps. I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank."
I ask you to go with me .. . as I went the other day... to a veteran's hospital and look those men ... with their mangled bodies . in the eye, and tell THEM they didn't hold a job!
You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee... and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their DADS didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery , where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags.
You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?

What about you?"

For those who don't remember, during W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA . Now he's a Senator!

God Bless America.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.

Just a little something to try to help my democrat friends understand me.

I am soooo married

My husband and I have been watching Top Chef Season 3 because his cousin's good friend is a contestant. I'm not big on reality shows because...really? how interesting can a bunch of bickering back stabbing drunken fools be the gazillionth time around.

Top Chef, affectionately known to those in the know, TC, is different. At least this season is. It was fun watching them cook and interact and be judged by some of the best in the field. Of which, I have no clue. After about the middle of catching up on the re-runs to bring me up to speed, I suddenly develop an interest for the heaad judge, Tom Colicchio. Who is he? Why is he the expert? And how are is eyes so blue?

I figure once contestant cutie pie Brian got booted off the show I'd be done with it. He gets to the last round before the finale. So, now I'm kinda hooked...and not just because it's a good show. Methinks I've got a bit of a crush on Chef Tom! *blush*

I am explaining this to my sister-in-law and I am expounding on his attributes and why this all appeals to me, when I suddenly realize....these are the reasons I was attracted to my husband.

Damn.

You'd think once I develop a crush on a celebrity he'd be different than what I have at home, so I can live a fanatsy life separate from my own.....

Freedom!

I can drive! I am mobile! Since my knee surgery, I have been bedridden, house-ridden and completely insane! I drove my little princess to kindergarten today....all by myself! Hallelujah!

Who's doing the thinking around here?

I've completely lost touch with my pre-kid self. I thought I'd be the kind of person that could still be a great friend to all my old pals, just with a few more people in tow. Right? Talk about delusional!

My dear friend is getting married in November and she asked that my daughter and older son be a part of wedding party. My little princess is one month shy of her 6th birthday and my little tank is truly 4......stop laughing.

What was I thinking? First of all, their only exposure to her after they were born was at their baptisms and a couple of birthday parties. Although, they are veterans at this since they were "officially" a part of 2 weddings. So, my vision of it is that the princess gets another fabulous dress to add to her collection and my little tank can actually fit into the rented tux! I couldn't wait to take pictures!! I had already mentally written off being able to enjoy the wedding, since (1) my kids would demand 1000% of my attention, (2) the wedding is an hour and half drive (without traffic) away, so...no pomegranate martinis for me! Did I mention that her wedding is scheduled to take place during their nap time?

This is my brain on kids.....Of course, I'm sure my friend has a vision of her wedding day that consists of my beautiful children being able to walk down the aisle and hit their cues with just one rehearsal. Me, being her swilling buddy from days past, would be able to give an amazing drunken speech telling the story of us dancing on the bar at Red Rock West in NYC. Why shouldn't she? She doesn't have kids!

I feel like I did her a great disservice by agreeing to this. I don't know what possessed me to assume that she understood that the kids may decide that they don't want to walk down the aisle in front of a bunch of strangers and stand at the alter for the ceremony, but would much rather splash around in the holy water or try to blow out the pretty candles.

Seriously, what am I going to do now? This is her big day. I feel like a schmo for not just saying "no".

To blog or not to blog....

I am so new to this genre, that I had to go to the urbandictionary to find out the definition of 'blog'. Yes, I am truly lame.

I had been enjoying my time off and browsing all the web had to offer and I truly enjoyed discovering the 'mom blogs'. It was great to connect with other moms going through the same kind of emotional and physical process of having kids.

Let's face it. As moms we don't have the time or energy to cultivate the positive and supportive relationships that we need to maintain our sanity. I know for me, when our first child was born, I felt isolated, overwhelmed and clueless. We moved to a 'better' neighborhood, so I didn't know a soul. My social interaction was restricted to the local market ( I am grateful to them to this day!).

I know this is not particular to new moms. Our lives are moving at a record pace, so if you aren't lucky enough to have maintained a social circle that has grown and changed with you, you are lonely. The internet has allowed us to connect with people we would have not likely have met, let a lone liked. Being a little judgemental myself, I know there are people that I would have missed getting to know had I met them under more conventional settings.

So, what was my point? When I mentioned to a friend and my sister-in-law that I discovered the blogs, I was surprised by their reaction. I got the impression I was no longer considered 'cool'. Whatever. This drove me to seek out the urbandictionary. The definitions I found there were none too flattering. It gave me pause.

I continued to read the blogs I had discovered and found that it was still fun to read. I find them to be reassuring and entertaining. So, thank you to those that continue to put your thoughts out there. To those that find them to be the ramblings of the narcissistic, f-off!

One blog too many

I think I may have got a little overly excited about discovering blogs. The mom track went so well, I thought I'd take a look at other interests in my life. So, I put in a search....USMC. Sadly, I was disappointed.

I served in the Marines from 86-91. This is something of which, I am proud. I served my country and proud to still call myself a Marine. What I am not so proud of is some of the lame ass macho bs that it attracts. Seriously, the people I served with that were most memorable were the ones that truly encompassed the ideals of being a Marine. There were just so many others, as in the fire service, that hid behind the title with false bravado. You know the ones.

I often wonder how people like this see themselves. They know they are cowards or shallow in character, but yet, use attitude and tough talk to mask these shortcomings. I will not expose myself voluntarily to these people anymore.

The Breakfast Club!

I love this movie. I graduated in 1984 and I remember how profound I thought this movie was. What's the message? Look past the labels we place on people and you may find yourself a friend? High school really sucks? Any other universal truths are lost on me right now.

I think I identify with Ally Sheedy's character.....

insouciant

Insouciant. This must be the new 'it' word. The last 3 books I've read used this word waaaaay too many times. It's a pretentious way to say 'i don't give a crap'. Nonchalant, carefree....whatever. So not me.


I used to think I was carefree. Then I had kids. Now I care about every little detail of my children's lives.....to the point of distraction. There is so much to think about that I can't prioritize. Are my children watching too much TV? Did they poop today?

I'm on the second day of recovery from knee surgery and the pain meds aren't working....gah! I am sitting in my room listening to my family go through their morning routine. It sounds like heaven from here, but I know it's hell out there. Funny, their squeals and complaints make me smile when I don't have to respond to their demands or referree their disputes.

If only I could maintain this perspective, I may discover my insouciance......

So it begins...

I am not organized, witty, or interesting. I just enjoy seeing my thoughts in writing. Yes, this is about me. Well....me and my fabulous family.

I just had knee surgery and am laid up for the next 3 days. It was a simple procedure, so I'm hoping to get my fat ass out of bed soon....the advantage is I get to laze around....well, hold that thought...my kids are invading.....

I'm not sure I'll be able to keep posting once my knee is better, but whatever.

My first born just started kindergarten last week and I am now able to sift through the mounds of information that the school has sent home. The note that I HAVE to comment on is from the principal about the next morning meeting. One of the topics to be discussed pertains to the elaborate morning student drop off routine. In particular, how Hummers and similiarly sized vehicles affect this routine.

I am sick of having to spend my minimal amount of free time on developing policies to help people not have to think or be responsible for themselves. A letter from a parent expressed a desire to develop a policy to have large vehicles park along the street instead of being able to use the drop off lanes and/or parking lots to bring their children to school.

The necessity stems from the fact that this parent was nearly hit by another car exiting the area because there was a Hummer "in the way". Seriously, people....how about people learning how to drive on streets, alleyways, parking lots, etc. that have various sized vehicles on them? When I pull up along side a large vehicle with my little car, I am cautious as I ease out into traffic lanes assuming that other vehicles may not see me(thinking). When I am driving my big ass car I look to see that the area is clear of big and small cars(taking responsibility). How hard is that? Are we really a community that needs to make a policy every time we have come across a situation?

My pain meds are starting to wear off.